After a late night fishing trip, I came home and jumped into bed. Sleep embraced me and soon I was dreaming as only a true fisherman can dream.
I dreamed a snake had laid eggs in my throat and the little crawlers were hatching. In a panic, I ripped my throat out. That was a mistake. Did you know you can't scream without a throat?
In the dream, all I could do was stagger out into the street covered with blood and baby snakes, waving the bloody mass that had been my throat.
Lucky for me, my neighbors are used to seeing me in worse shape. Even when I'm not dreaming. Two of them speed dialed 911. My best friend called the fire station on the corner directly. In crisis dream state, you can still count on your friends.
By the time the EMTs got me to Northeast Georgia Medical Center, three of the little vipers had been adopted. EMTs are very compassionate like that. I have to admit they were cute, too. The baby vipers not the EMTs.
I got stuck with the runt of the litter.
At the hospital, Nurse Debbie and Doctor Bob got me into a treatment room right away. Sometimes, I think there is someone going on between those two. Heck, that room can't always be open just for me and my nightmares. I'll have to ask when I get my voice back.
Some Ob/Gyn came in to check on my progress. He said a natural delivery should have been done instead of that messy C-Section. He went on to say that with my big mouth, he could deliver a small truck and the Gettysburg address at the same time.
I thought about giving him a piece of my mind. But, he looked like that type who would put it in a glass jar and keep it on a shelf in his office.
The customer service rep came in with a clip board asking me about my insurance coverage. I told her I had United Healthcare and she made an ugly face. I wasn’t really in the mood for that kind of judgmental body language. Wouldn't have bothered me at all most days, or it shouldn't have. After all, I had ripped my own throat out. But, still, she didn't have to be rude.
She enjoyed telling me that United doesn't cover birthing no baby snakes at Northeast Georgia.
She said I qualified for Emergency Obamacare. It kicks in the year 2013 instead of 2014. I felt very lucky so I signed up for that. What the heck, if something goes wrong during breast feeding, 2013 isn't that far away.
Things were winding down and I was feeling some of those post-partum blues when the Mother's attorney came in. She was suing me for week end custody, monthly support and wanted them to have college scholarship fund.
I hope they like Georgia Tech.
I tried getting them into UGA but only GT takes native born snakes.
Finally, my wife shocked me awake with a cattle prod. Sometimes a good nightmare is hard to give up. Last time, she had to put me in a bath tub of cold water. Then drop in the hair dryer. I don't mind going bald now. My head will match the rest of my hairless body.
My little wifie was rather PO'd at me again. Seems I had been snoring like a ruptured water buffalo. She said I had left the garage door open, my fishing poles on the deck, and my muddy boots in the closet. I'm smart enough after 35 years of marriage to say, "I'm sorry, Hun. I was kind of tired. I'll clean it up."
My voice sounded a little bit rough, my mouth was dry, and I had to cough to clear my throat. Mentally doing my check list. Garage door open. Yup. I remember that. Fishing poles in termporary storage on the back deck. Roger that. Muddy boots in the Master Bedroom closet. Yup. Exactly.
There was on thing missing, something sill on my mind. Then, it hit me!
"Honey, do you know where I put my can of worms?"
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